For many years,
I was my own greatest enemy.

I lived a very destructive reality - bluntly put and top-line, I used to lie, cheat & steal. These aspects of my character led to poor health, lack of career direction, suffering relationships, in and out of debt - yet there were always enough stimulation to avoid facing myself. A victim mentality, always looking externally for the answer or something to blame.
I was emotionally reactive and fearful…masking my insecurities and lack of self-worth through
an inflated ego and loud mouth.


I was absolutely not thinking about God or spirituality or even humanity.
I was the furthest one could be from any of these things.

Then in 2010 when I was 24, during a drug-fuelled week in Ibiza with 12 friends,
it was impossible to ignore.

A year after spending 4 months on the Island doing much of the same under the guise of working and having fun - my whole world began caving in.

At Space, one of the island's superclubs, amidst a cocktail of drugs, something wasn’t right, but I kept on consuming to drown this voice emerging - inner conflict for the first time.

I remember spinning out in the toilet and seeing a sign: “drugs are not the answer” - what would usually be a line I’d laugh off, was a punch to the gut.

The final days saw that inner conflict grow.
Arising awareness of going against my heart…one whispering “this is not you” and the one that wanted to carry on with the rest of the holiday as normal.

I couldn’t quiet this voice, it got louder and louder, it felt like everyone was watching me,
but there was nowhere to hide.

As soon as I got home, I collapsed into my mum’s arms and cried my eyes out…
I remember vividly saying the words: “my whole life's been a lie.”

I didn’t know it at the time, but this chaos (I learnt later this is termed a ‘dark night of the soul’)
was the birth of an awakening.

I wanted to escape to somewhere nobody knew me. It eventually dawned on me - the only way out is through.
And so I decided, with heart-based conviction,
to go within and “do the work”…

“When the pain and the suffering of the ego become so intense and impossible to take, it is ready to break - it is then, when the spirit emerges”

2016 journal entry

Eventually, I began to see that what I was engaging in was the process of understanding and seperating from the “ego” - the personality or constructed identity we wear to navigate the world - a patchwork of beliefs, fears,
desires and defenses.

I began to notice that my ego thrived on separation, a desire to standing out and be special.
I would often put peoeple down for fun to get a laugh - really to take the
eyes away from my flaws.

I saw how I lacked substance, wouldn’t put in the effort but wanted the rewards - always taking shortcuts. I saw how my behaviour was very selfish - I only cared about myself and
manipulate others to get my way.

This identity I had accumulated since birth was causing so much suffering,
but coming face to face with it
was the beginning of peeling back the layers and cultivating awareness
of what was underneath it all.

My experience says that our true nature is of the spirit - vibration, energy, frequency - but as we come into this dense material earth plane, it becomes buried.
Yet it yearns to be expressed. To be balanced with the richness of the human experience.
Not one or the other.

This creates conflict, and for me, this disconnection from God and supressing of the spirit manifested in things such as distorted identity, poor character, mental health issues,
chronic stress and physical pain.

And I say with heart, that this is not an easy process -
Adyashanti so powerfully describes it: